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Broken book of dreams.

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Post by Lunar Wolf Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:18 am

I had no idea, what those words meant, so I looked them up. What I found, startled me, though I don't know why. Sighing I rested my head on my hand propped up by my elbow. Staring at the computer screen I read out loud, "You are doomed to die..." .. Haha, funny one you are, mind. I don't even know italian or fren-cha-cha, How did I hear this then? Hmm.. so funny my brain is. I slump against my pillows, my heads pounding. I briefly think of my departed grandfather and whimper. Turning the screen away, I shut the laptop and set it on the floor, gazing up at the ceiling, imagining its vast blankness was my canvas. In my head, I painted a giant rainbow, with thousands of little stars, each glittering. There was a mechanical unicorn and a light bluish grey cat on its back. There were black birds flying, peace signs spattered here and there, the words "Live, Laugh, Love" all around, The background was the light blue of a summer sky. ... I miss my home... The back yard, staring at the stars. I miss the forest I used to run through, the feeling of leaves scattering beneath my wake. It made me feel invincible, the sheer desire to run filled me. Though my legs hurt to move, and my body was very weak, I pushed myself from the bed, and ran downstairs. The fleeting seconds made a difference, freedom coursed through me.
- Without a care, I ran outside, swiftly gliding over the dark wood floors and out the screened in porch. I jumped over the pool hole in the ground, and made a course strait for the woods. I beelined it, runing as fast as I could, heading right for the large pond. Feet first, I landed and kept going, water spraying, fish dissapating. My dress was getting wet and heavy, splotched with sandy water, my hair spun out and bounced, my cheeks burned, my eyes sparkled, and I was laughing. I kept running in the heavy heat, water to my knees daring to slow me, but I ripped through anyways. All the while, a sad song played in my head. I knew the moment I leapt, I wouldn't make it.
- Energy coursed through me, as I tore throuhg the water as best I could, up to my waist, I slipped in the mud and kept going. Almost to the other side, my heart was pounding with joy. I gave it all I had, and jetted out of the water, dashing up the hill and strait to the forest.
- As soon as my feet hit pinestraw, I collapsed. Panting and heaving, I held myself trying to soothe the pain. The stench of rot filled my nose, and I looked at my body. Dragging myself to a tree, I propped myself up against it, the hard bark holding me.
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Post by Lunar Wolf Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:27 am

It was then, I decided to look thouroughly at myself. My dress, was tattered to pieces, caked in grime and wet with pond water. My legs were spattered with mud and so were my hands. My hair clung to my head from sweat, and the sticky feeling of it forming on my back annoyed me. I looked worn out, like a used doll, never washed. Only taken outside to be left in the rain and mud.
But you see, an outside doll, must be the happiest... An inside doll: Never gets wet, always see's people, Never mistreated, never lost, never chewed to bits by a dog, wears nice clothes, held by many, never knows pain. A good life they live, protected, safe. But, they'll never experience freedom, or privacy. They'll never know what the world is, they'll be.. just a doll.
An Outside Doll: Gets down and dirty, has adventures; they're never lost, learns about the outside world, can feel the wind, meet many things, see many things, learn much more. Sure, they may pass on faster, and may have a rough life, but that makes it all the better. They'll appreciate more in life, they'll have fun, it's worth it to them.
I would rather be an outside doll, one thrown across the yard so that I may fly. Dropped in the pond so that I may watch the fish and tadpoles swim about. Tossed down the stairs so that I may bounce. Even in this frail state, I still want nothing more than to be an outside doll. Let me get chewn up by a dog, I'll be okay, I'll pull myself back together. Let a crow take me away, I want to be in the sky! Pray a fish swallows me, I'll live under the sea. Hope I get swept up in a sewer, new adventures! No matter what, I'll be happiest knowing I'm still alive...

Days left: 987
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Post by Momo Neko Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:49 pm

Q^Q thats really sad
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Jul 29, 2011 10:52 am

you don't know me. you'll never understand.
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Jul 29, 2011 10:59 am

Green eyes of envy,
Jealousy
hatred.


Thats what green really means...? I don't believe so...

Green is freedom, green is the wind, my element. Hehe... Green is earth, green is life, the grass, the eyes of cats, green is everything beautiful, it's a wonderful color, why for must it be to represnt such awful things...?
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:10 am

Who are we... really... do we belong in this world? Do you really think lifes bad? Or good?

We die, its natural,
We kill, its instinct,
We laugh, its habit,

Did you know, a humans thoughts and emotions are a delicate balance of chemicals?
So, you are whatever concoction of chemicals that usually make up your personality.
If your angry then there's a chemical imbalance and you are not you.
Anything you think or say when your angry is really not what you think, it's what makes sense at the time.

How does that make you feel? Are emotions real now? Is there such a thing as love? How does it feel to know you act the way you do purely on science? That love is actually a survival instinct from having bonded to a mate and already seeing them as a father/mother and protecter? That our ''emotions'' are just chemicals. JUST chemicals. Imbalances make reactions, causing us to behave differently. We are animals you know, and we are just what we are. How do you feel knowing that? Knowing there is no happiness, its just what you 'feel' at the time? Did you even think that maybe sometiems its all in our heads? Because it is...
Love exists surely it does, right?

Do you know what pisses me off? People do. People and their stupid ignorant sayings.
"Love doesn't exist, only hatred."

THAT makes no sense, you see. As Hatred is opposite of love, and you cannot hate someone without having loved them, or knowing what love is. The two must exist to co-exist, one without the other is nothing. happy and sad would be no different then angry or tired. Emotions are just a chemical cocktail that your brain registers in other ways.
We do have a different mind than most animals however, we have thoughts. Thoughts in OUR language we speak, when we read something, we HEAR those words in our head, in ENGLISH. The japanese, hear it too, russians, french, EVERYONE!!!!

Humans, are so unique. Did you know that we can survive with Half the blood in our veins?
That we can withstand pain that is equivilant to being run over by a dumptruck?
That our mind can shut out traumatic things, such as rape, molestation, murder?
Did you also know, that sometimes our minds can reach such an electromatic charge, we can manipulate reality?
Perhaps you never thought about your brain, or chemisty of the mind. But, dating. Ever heard the "There's chemistry between us" .. exactly. it IS chemistry. Chemicals mixing sending recieving and flowing... if they match or are compatable, great. There you have love. On a biological level.
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:56 pm

I find myself standing by my window, hand on the sill. The inky black of the sky is dotted by glittering beings, called stars. Earth truly is amazing to me, and as I look at my hands, I think life is even more extra-ordinary. I close my eyes, and smile as my bangs tickly my eyelids. Leaning against the window, I touch its warm glossy surface, and wish that my life weren't so much like it.
Glass is beautiful to me, shiny, glittery and clear. It can be shaped into so many things, reflect light the way even mirrors cannot mimic. Yet, it can be smooth and warm, or cold even. It's so versitile, many depend on it for simple things. Lightbulbs, windows, mirrors, TV screens, tubes, eyeballs! A lot of things..
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:17 pm

However, glass is fragile. Drop it once, and its gone. It's also harmful when broken.. It's clear, transparent. You can see right through it, and its usually always.. cold.
I don't want to be like glass though... I want to be human. Me. Alive.
Tomorrow, is the last day I have, to see someone before he's put away, forever....
Stepping through my room, I gently descend the staircase and let the feel of the air take me away.
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Post by Lunar Wolf Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:53 pm

Nostalgia.

-Enka-

I must be a horrible person.

I went back to the town I grew up in, yesterday. I came home today. The five hour drive, was no big deal. But, being there.. hurt.
As I sat in the back of our mini van, I couldn't help but mutter a whine as we drove into what used to be my home. The place that was my sanctuary. A place filled with many memories, both happy and sad.. For the better and the worst, this place had taken care of me. The people.. the streets.. the forest.. The love and laughter...
I feel as though I am a ghost, haunting this area. Upset and confused. Just a little while ago, it was ME that was alive, in this place. This was MY home... and now.. it's not. It's all gone, that fast.. I'll never see the inside of my home again, never will I search through that garden to find a turtle, never will I be the eight year old out at the crack of dawn, running the streets. I wish I spent my last days better, it was horrible.
Anyways, I came down there, to say goodbye to someone. To say good bye, to my dearsest Nii-chan. I was hurt.. He had to go away, somewhere far away but just out of reach.. for many years. He'd be gone...
This morning, when we met, I didn't say a word. To anyone.. I spent the last hour I had, trying my best to be strong for him. To not cry and show him that hiss nee-chan was doing her best.. But, I couldn't hold it in, and when he hugged me, memories flew out the window.. The time he saved me from being swept away by the river, the fun I had with him at his girlfriends house.. watching movies with him, staying up late to beat FF games.. Our battles and arguments.. One of the most important people to me, is gone now..
He won't be there to see me on my sweet sixteen,
when I get my license,
when I get my heart broken,
when I achieve something that would make him proud..
when I turn eighteen
when I go to prom...
I won't see him for christmas, or thanksgiving... I won't see him for mothers day or fathers day.. I won't see him on my birthday, or his..
I didn't say a single word to him, at all. But, I did write on a piece of tape, "Miss you.. Love you.." and stuck it to his wrist...
In all my life, he never held me. He never carried me around. Never held my hand.. but for the first time in my life.. he did. He held me for the longest I've ever been.. he held me tightly and told me it would all be okay, that I had to be strong, that we'd be alright. He did his best to keep a happy appearance, but I saw right through it. Inside he was disrought. We spent one final hour together, before they took him away from me.. and in that hour, we walked. Walked to where he would be taken away from.. I held his hand, and he held me to his side.. that was all I ever wanted from him.. was to love me.. to care about me.. but I was afraid.. I was afraid to speak..
I might've yelled,
I might've bawled,
I might've screamed,
.. So much anger and saddness and regret, I couldn't handle it enough to talk.. I only hope he knew, he knows, how much I love him.. despite our twisted past and hard rocks, I forgive him. He is my brother after all.. All I ever wanted in my concious years, was for him to be proud of me, and love me.. But I failed him.. I couldn't hold in the tears, or sobs..
When we reached the steps of the building he would vanish into, he turned to me. Brushed the hair out of my face, and kissed my forehead.
"You're the man of the house now, okay doo-bug?" he held me and I nodded.
I knew he was kidding, but.. still.. I couldn't laugh. I held him tightly, I didn't want him to go away.. I was so scared. I didn't want to lose my brother, I love him so much.. but.. nothing I could do...

it's all my fault he's going away
all my fault he's being taken away
my mothers pain, my fathers grief
It's all my fault..

All I had to to do, was wake them up..
Left the others and run upstairs,
Let my mom know what was happening..

Maybe then, things wouldn't be this sad..
You can't redo things though, too bad..

Forgive me, brother.. for all that I've done..
Always I've been in your way, causing you problems..
Undermining you and trying to get you in trouble..
Leading you the wrong way on purpose just so.. Just..
To get your attention...

I never knew the pain you must've been going through
'cept of course up until now..
Maybe one day, you'll forgive your stupid foolish and horrible sister..

Sorry for everything I did wrong, for always trying to ratt you out..
Or even trying to steal your stuff..

Someday, brother.. I want nothing more than to fix this with you..
Only one thing I don't regret, was having been born your sister..
Really, you're a great man.. and I'll always love you..
Remember how we used to fight? And then we laughed?
You must hate me by now.. or at least feel ashamed of me..

Brother, all I wanted was for you to be proud of me..
Recognition amongst your eyes..
Open place in your heart that was meant for me..
To know that you cared about me.. then you said it..
Hearing you say those words, "I love you, doo-bug" ..
Everything I was mad at you for, was washed away..
Regret, I am full of it, for all that I've done.. remorse...

This really is all my fault, all i had to do was scream to wake them up. But i didn't, I was a coward..

I truly am a horrible person.
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Post by Momo Neko Wed Aug 03, 2011 8:11 pm

thats a great and beautiful quote and very true^^
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:04 pm

Damnit Momo!
Please.. Forget the stupid quote..

It's all lies..
everything
We will rot at the end of this world
for our sins...

I will be the last to die,
I shall suffer the most..
I love you so much
surely you know that..

I'll miss you most
for your love and compasion

Jennifer..
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:23 pm

I am to see him next weekend.
The love of my life!
I'm so excited!
Wouldn't you be?

I don't care what people say
or how it is they feel,
about something called love..
and if it is real.

I know love,
at least I think i do..
What I have found,
I think it'll do.

Happiness it will grant
till my final days
Childish as it may seem,
Forever and always.

I love him so,
The best part of my life,
Is when he promised me..
To be his wife!

My life is planned ahead,
of time that I have
I want to live it freely,
Just, having a blast.

I love you so much
I hope you know this
He's amazing you know,
Especially when we kiss

Holding hands,
seems so simple and small
but reallly it is to me,
the greatest of them all..

I miss him so much,
my tears have paid off
I'll see him again soon
My only love~
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Post by Momo Neko Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:35 pm

i'm so happy for you~^^
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Post by Lunar Wolf Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:40 am

Do you only read the last post I make?
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Post by Lunar Wolf Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:49 am

I saw him yesterday.
The love of my life.

With him, I was so happy...
And with him..
Silence was so loud!

All the time I've waited for him,
Meaningless motions we made,
All of the time that I put in for him,
Zero of it, was regretted.
I was happpy, in his arms.
Nothing was better then that.
God gave me that wonderful day..

I miss him now, more than ever.
Too much for words alone,

No more tears will be shed,
Only happy memories relived.

He is my all..
Everything i need to stay alive, now.

I want to scream out loud,
So the whole world can hear me!

My only joy, in this word!
Yesterday, was perfect for me..

Only I can feel this feeling,
No one else can..
Life isn't so bad, is it?
You can only get better.

Jayson, if you could ever hear me,
Our time yesterday, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Your time, and love.. made me the happiest!

If anyone can hear me,
Nows the time to understand me!

Today marks the day of a new goal!
His arms and voice,
Inspire me to keep going.
Saved me from self destruction.

Whatever God throws at me,
Or whatever harships I must endure,
Reality will not destroy me,
Let me live on, in the hearts of others.
Death is only a temporary thing.

;D
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Post by Momo Neko Tue Aug 16, 2011 1:50 pm

i don't only read the last posts you post. i read them all
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Post by Lunar Wolf Tue Aug 16, 2011 3:19 pm

Oh~ just checking^^ >w> hehe~
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Post by Momo Neko Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:06 pm

okay~:]
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Post by Lunar Wolf Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:53 pm

I made a friend ;D
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Post by Momo Neko Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:50 am

really whats her/his name....and whats the gender XD
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Post by Lunar Wolf Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:34 pm

Her name, is Nicole.

Weird huh, considering our last Nicole was a total bish fish.
She's really nice.
And theres a boy named Forest. Who looks like Jay,

< . . ^ I-I kinda like Forest~?
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Post by Momo Neko Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:00 pm

well i'm really happy that you found some friends i'll try to come vist when i can....um i would need your address first though:]
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Post by Lunar Wolf Fri Aug 19, 2011 8:07 pm

Day 1

This is my new school. A colledge sized campus, home to the fighting cobras. Close to about two thousand kids attend this school. Waking up the first morning, I was so nervous. Scared.
What if they didn't like me?
Where was my bus stop?
What if the kids there were mean? would there even be any one?
I was so nervous, that I couldn't eat my breakfast, making me feel like an idiot. I paced worried, trying to calm down, but that knot in my stomach kept stirring around. What was I going to do!?
Frantically, I dashed around, stripping my clothes as I hopped from bed and stumbled across the pale carpet. Reaching the bathroom, nearly naked, I yanked my shower on and started tearing off my panties. Catching a quick glimpse in the mirror, I frowned. So gross. My hair looked like an eagles nest, and my body was lined with sleep marks. My mom calls to see if I'm up, and when I shout back, I slip.
Busting my ass on the ground, I moan and try to pull myself back up. Not caring if I was bleeding or not, I climbed into the hot hot hot water. Shampoo, lather rinse, repeat. Conditioner, work through my hair, and wash my body while letting it sit. As I ran the cool scented soap over my body, my stomach turned.
What if I'm picked on? Who will I eat lunch with? Am I going to be alone..?
I wanted to cry, and cower. But, I refused. I am not that much of a whimp!
Feeling myself on the verge of an anxiety attack, I let the scent of my soap calm me. The spicey feel it had, made me relax, if only for a moment.

I got to the bustop, and saw several kids. Two older ones and some my age and maybe younger. One girl struck me more than the wrest. A girl with a penguine book-bag. CC. She had curly brown hair, dark eyes and semi tan skin. Shapely curved and pretty pretty.
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Post by Lunar Wolf Sat Aug 20, 2011 12:12 pm

I tried my best to avoid convo, as I did not want to annoy anyone with my voice, or my personality. I tried to stay out of their business, and only spoke when they spoke to me. They were nice, all of them. The 'usual' group. There was the friendly loud black girl, the twig thin perky white girl, the loud ghetto music listening tall guy, and the goth kid who wears a trench coat all day everyday. Then there was me.
The shy new kid dressed all in black, dirty blond hair, and a rainbow/black bag.
I stepped out of my moms van, as I lived twenty minutes away from the bus-stop, and everyone looked at me. Ice flowed through my viens. My heart fluttered. And, the darker skinned girl, greeted me.
"Hey! You knew around here?" she asked.
"Yeah freshman?" her friend added.
I looked away and laughed, trying not to snap or run.
"I-.. yeah, I'm new to here. Moved in last month." I said softly. Then, as if to retort on what the male said, I looked at him.
"No gradie. I am a junior, but yes, I am new." And I smiled, quickly I turned away and mewed softly so they wouldn't hear me. They stopped talking to me, and kept talking to eachother.
The white girl and goth kid talked, kinda. It was more of her chatting to him, and he absentmindedly nodding. I stood there, wondering if they thought bad of me, or maybe it would be okay?
Suddenly, a pain struck through my body.
She's here.. a voice said. Who's here? what?
In my confusion I did not hear the other girls call for CC.
CC?
I turned around to see this girl running up the sidewalk. Penguin bookbag, penguine shirt, blue penguine keychain bouncing... Her curls were bobbing and her dark eyes were glittering.
"Hey!" she called out.
My heart gave a hard thud.
She was so hard to ignore for some reason. Her voice made me interested. The way she moved when talking or walking... I tried my best not to stare. And, in my attempt, the bus had come.
Submission kicking in, I let everyone pass me, and was the last on the bus. I looked everywhere for an empty seat, and found none. I was scared now, everyone was a male, everyone with an open seat, was male. What do i do?! my mind screamed.
I kept walking, hoping the driver would go and send me flying to the back where I could be knocked out, unconcious. He didn't. I got halfway down, when the girl with curls, spotted me.
"You can sit with me if you want," she said softly. I jumped, and she smiled.
..
This girl, does not know me.
She reminds me, of myself.
I remember when, new kids got on the bus. No one knew where to sit, or who we were. I would always give up my seat for them, so they could have some kind of comfort.. She however, did the same.
Lunar Wolf
Lunar Wolf
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Post by Lunar Wolf Sat Aug 20, 2011 12:19 pm

Such kindness. Maybe my school wont be so bad after all?
I lowered my head, and pulled my bookbag into my lap.
"I um.. Thank you.." I murmured.
"Not a problem." she replied with a smile.
"..."
"Where are you from? Heard you were new from Laya."
"Oh, well.. North Carolina.. I-I'm new. Sorry,"
"For what?"
"I didn't mean to take your seat.." I whimpered.
"it's fine!" she laughed.

We started talking, she worked the shyness from me.

"Hey, if you're new to the school, do you want me to show you around?"
"I-.. it's okay, you don't have to.."
"No really, its fine! I don't mind."
"..but.."
"And, if you'd like, we could go see my friends. Do you wanna?"

again.. doing as I did... offering some form of comfort... I like this girl, CC.


"Okay, thank you." I replied.
She only smiled.

We didn't find her friends, the bell rang, and it was time to head to the first of our eight classes.

I got the wrong homeroom, and my teacher looked at me like I was an idiot.
First period:
English. The room was friendly enough, I guess. I had a seat by the window, and away from everyone else. My teacher seemed nice, Coach Crafft. I did the daily assignment no prob. I took the papers he gave and lined them up in my binder. Waited for the bell to ring, and headed to my next class.
Second period:
Computer/Businesss. It was a big class, with a lot of sophmores and freshmen goofing off. Some of us were juniors, and I didn't see any seniors. All these people, made my head spin. So, I leaned back into my black cold chair. Letting the smooth slick surface lure me to silence. I felt the fabric of my shirt btween my thumb and forefinger, smoothing it and wondering how much my shirt had in common with the school.
Black, one of our school colors. Tightly woven, so many kids packed into classes and hallways. Firm, there was no leeway for schedules or misbehaving. Linked tightly, just as the friends I saw were, close. Strong. Tight fitting, constantly being watched, no room for slip ups.
Strict school. I sighed, leaning forward and stared blankly at the board ahead.
I ignored everything, and tried to become familiar. The bell rang.
Third period:
Marine science. Classy teacher.

Fourth period:
US History. Cutish nice teacher.

Fifth block:
Algebra2. This class, was what changed a lot of things. Where I had chosen to sit, also determined my fate today. I sat down, by a boy. This boys name, Johen. Johen, was a strange boy. Dark hair, dark eyes, sharp nose and thin glasses. Most people would find him 'cute' I just saw him as a stranger, a kind but scary stranger. He tried talking to me, but me being so nervous.. I couldn't manage much to say.
We talked most of the block, er, rather he talked to me, and I nodded trying my best not to seem to freaky. I guess I didn't do to bad, seeing how he invited me to eat with him and his friends. I agreed.
I was so happy! I had made two friends! Everything was going so much beter than I thought. I couldn't wait to meet his friends, and maybe not be so alone...
Why were these people so nice to me?
I was a stranger to them, a weird nearly mute stranger.. and yet.. they were nice to me..
Back in NC, if you didn't know them from grade school, you were treated like a piece of trash.
Here.. things are different.

The bell had rung, and me being an idiot, forgot all about lunch. As the crowd of students rushed through the hall, I turned off and started going up the stairs. I was halfway up, noticing no one else was following, when I heard Johen.
"Dude, where ya going?" he asked,
Boy did I feel retarded.
"I um.. was going to ask my next teacher something.." I lied.
He bought it and laughed. "Oh, well do it later." he suggested.
"O-okay."

We stood outside the library. Waiting when suddenly, this tall tall tall kid comes up.
I instantly fell head over heels. He was so cute... I could feel my cheeks getting warm so I turned away. But, everything Johen said about him, scared me.
Kuu. Kuu was his name. I tall darkish cuban boy. I liked him instantly.
Kuu, apparently, was notorious for being heartless and a jerk. For being able to smash vending machines and fight guys just because... When I saw him though, I didn't know what to think.
Dark wavey hair framed his face, two peircing black eyes, and tall lean body. I could feel myself shaking.
.. I was getting sick ..
I did my best to hide it,
but then Johen introduced me to Kuu, and my stomach flipped.
Kuu smiled at me, and I thought I was going to die.
I only felt this way around Jayson.. what was wrong with me?
Lunar Wolf
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