Broken book of dreams.

Lunar Wolf wrote:*glares at him tail twitching slightly, by the look of her wet cheeks and ruffled hair she is not happy*
Kazu, you might've missed the point... it is not about finding out time, it is the point that whatever it is, it is precious, and I am running out of it.


D: Please know that this is in response of what Enka would say >< but very thoughtful response :3)))

I apologize if my response seemed insensitive. I didn't mean it to be.

KazumaSB wrote:

Lunar Wolf wrote:*glares at him tail twitching slightly, by the look of her wet cheeks and ruffled hair she is not happy*
Kazu, you might've missed the point... it is not about finding out time, it is the point that whatever it is, it is precious, and I am running out of it.


D: Please know that this is in response of what Enka would say >< but very thoughtful response :3)))

I apologize if my response seemed insensitive. I didn't mean it to be.

D: No! Like I said, I didn't mind ^^
I was trying to be creative by pretending Enka was answering... < . . >

Okay. Well then give my apology to Enka.

I do not understand this world, I do not understand it's meanings. I am healthy, yet I am dying. If I could, I'd take what is left of my life, and give it away, to those I loved.. I'd take a little bit of my memory and heart, to give to everyone, my mother and father would get my childhood years, my friends would get my middle school years, Jay, would get my highschool years, and equally I would share out my emotions. If I am to die, and no one will accept it, no one but me, then allow me to live on within each of you.
Please, carry me with you through life, and let me do what I have never been able to do before,


live.

Hey guess, can't type for a while, I really messed up my hand. Sorry

Oh no...that's not good.
How did you hurt your hand? I hope it isn't a serious injury.

I know you are a good person and it shows when you write things like wanting to give your life to others that you care about. You most certainly will live on within me as long as I am alive, along with all of my friends. BUT that doesn't mean I will allow you to die before I do!

i miss you Luna~D: can you come to my party on the 12th on Nov?o.o Kat,Sam and maybe Aya will be there:]

I will ask x.x

I can't I'm sorry...

Best day of my life, but not really. Here's why~!!!

--Enka draws her sword at her hip to it's full length of four feet, ten inches, and twists it by the hilt, letting the light glint off it's black red surface. Her honey golden eyes look down at the glare and she frowns slightly. Gripping her blade, she spins around, striking at a stalk of bamboo, cutting it clean in half. "If only.." she panted, swining again and with a lunge, she cut-down two more stalks. "If only I could live..." a tear in her eye, threatens not to dampen her fire. "Just.. a little.." another slash, another stalk down. She's now facing the great white oak tree by her favorite pond. Raising her sword high, she takes aim, and swings her blade down hard.
It hits the oak, with a loud, hollow ringing sound. It reverberates through the woods and bamboo, sending flocks of birds away. "..longer!" she cried, sinking to her knees, the sword staying stuck-fast into the trunk of the tree. Turning her back to the smooth bark of the oak tree, Enka closes her eyes. "If only... I could..." a sad smile plays on her cresent red lips, "tell them how much they're loved.." and as her thick lashes close, a single tear falls, as the final breath of Enka Shiahara, escapes her red, glistening lips.---
First Death.

With a scream, I wake up. Looking over my body, I see that I am still alive.

Still alive...


It's seems like only yesterday that I just moved to this place, filled with meaningless monuments, and old parks. Memories are so painful, because revisiting them, consumes time. Time is needed to make memories, and without either, what is life? I'm afraid, that life will just fly right by me, already it seems that it's just slipping away, I don't want this to happen, shit just needs to slow down! I fall back into my pillows, with an umph!. Closing my eyes, I revist the horrible dream I was just in, the one where I died alone.
"It's for the best, you know..." the blue voice whispered, I gave this voice eyes, and those eyes were icy blue eyes. I could feel them stare at me, as if it existed outside of my mind. They narrowed, and the musical, cold voice cut into me again. "What kind of fool are you? Are you just going to let life pass you by? Does it matter even? What good is making good memories when they'll be nothing but unwanted shadows later on.. shadows to haunt you of deep mistakes you sorely regret..." it spat at me, and I cringed. I'm going crazy for sure.

Thursday last week, I nearly broke my hand.
It started as I was going up the stairs, when I began to swing on my bookbag. my hand, in mid-punch, connected to the cold metal of a heavy, heavy double door. I felt something bend, way out of shape, and nearly snap. I felt instantly, and knew, that my hand would not be okay. A sharp, numbing jolt, shot up my arm into my shoulder of my right side. A heavy sagging feeling of aching pain filled my hand and wrist as it slumped at my side.
"Oh.. ouch that.. kinda hurt.."I muttred, carrying my arm at my side, I kept walking as if it never happened, ignoring the swelling of my now, semi-purple hand. By the time I reached my third period (which was five minutes later) the little welts, were hidden inside the round of my swollen hand. Sitting down, I looked at the board, and reached for my pencil. The instant my fingertips touched the yellow painted wood, I nearly yelped as pain zapped down my fingers. Ignoring it, I forced, so painfully, for my fingers to close around it, and soon, my hand just stopped obeying. Only being able to twitch my fingers, and turn my wrist a little, I knew that my hand, was really messed up.
If I were a normal girl, a girl who wasn't used to extreme pain caused by many needles, internal bleeding, and a secret illness, I'd be screaming at this pain, but It was not so bad, not as bad, so I held it in.

i'll invite you again when we have another party ok Luna:]

Yeah... Okay...

It is a Friday, 11,11,11... I spend this day, home alone. My parents left to go to a casino boat, which they missed so instead of returning home to their heart-sick daughter, who feels the need to bawl and curl up in a box, they say they'll be home... later. I have a lot of work to do, before next friday, and I've cut down my eating limit to only 800 calories a day. Despite what anyone says, I won't listen. I'm not emo, and I don't want anyones attention, but, I will do this, I will lose weight.

Listen hear you son of a brick. I am going to be me, now. Do you understand? I've gotten lazy because moving hurts so much, but screw that! Even if it makes me gasp for breath, I'm getting my muscles back, I'm losing this weight, I will change myself. Again.

This morning, I saw a spider the size of my hand on the wall, AFTER i used the toilet, so the only thing I could think of while trying to kill it, was,

"What if the damn thing fell on my bare back and climed on me!!!!"

so sad, I am.

It has been a while since I've written about my bodys status, but so far the attacks and the bleeding have been at a minimum, no hospitals yet. Thank god.

thats a big spider!!O.o"

So, a lot has happened in the past two months or so,
Let's start with the week of Thanksgiving.

Gadget, a "friend" of mine from Cali came over to spend Thanksgiving with us. I knew this already, and anticipated this hoping he'd changed for the better. You see, when I used to know Gadget, he was a real stuck-up snob, who thought he was better than everyone else, smarter, and deserved more out of things than anyone else. He treated me like a slave, or a pet, and not in the way I generally accept. He was selfish, mean, and very, very cocky. More so than that, was he fake. "Yes ma'am, no ma'am, thank you sir, hello sir," was the way he acted around adults. Away from them? He was a little... Ugh! He made me so mad, yet I was always there for him, knowing it's not fair that he's so mean, knowing it's just how his mother raised him.
Anyways, Gadget and his mother Starcy came over, well, we picked them up from the airport.

At first, I was a little excited, as from what I had scene of his pictures, he'd grown up quite a lot. I was a little scared, because I fear males, naturally, and was worried if his unfamiliar height and stature would scare me. I was quite dissapointed. As you see, I got in the car with my mom at around 6, 6 30. We drove for around three hours, landing us there at 9, 9 30. We waited a good hour, before they showed up, coming down from the escaladers. Gadget, was a little taller than he used to be, but exact same height as me. He had darker brown hair, big sun-glasses on, a handsome jaw and though he looked more of a man than he used to, I could see he was every bit as childish as he used to be.
It wasn't so bad at first, as we drove home from the airport, I messed and wrestled with him in the van, ruffling his hair, taking his drum-sticks, and just teasing him. It was nice to be next to someone who you forced yourself to think nice of. It was nice to live in that little false reality, I over looked his selfish ways and rude comments to see who I always hoped he would be. I kinda liked him a lot when I was little, even though he was a jerk, he had that kinda aura or smile that'd make you just get pissed, and secretly wish he'd hold your hand. However, I saw through that now, and was only put in a sad mood once my hopes of having a real nice friend, were crushed.

Anyways, as we were driving home, I spoke to him about life in South Carolina and North Carolina, I updated him on my friends, and my boyfriend Jayson. When I mentioned him, he seemed to change the subject very quickly with a blurt of "Oh yeah my girls cool too,"
Weird.
We arrived home, after a veeerrryyy long drive, and I was excited to show him my house. It was the first time I had something new that he'd never have. I rushed him, holding his hand, up the stairs to my room, my imaginary tail was wagging, my ears were perked, and I could feel my grin glue itself in place.
"Cool room!" He said, looking at my things, picking up one of my sketch pads.
My face flushed instantly, as he was holding one of my personal sketch pads, the kind that has those.. not so public images.
I gently took it from his hand, and laughed a little. "I um.. I'd actually ask you not to look at this one, thank you." and as I tucked it under my other books, I pushed the love-letter I was writing to Jayson away.
Gadget shrugged, and sauntered around my room, but not in a bad way, I guess that's just his walk. Oh well~ First, we kinda just talked, played major catch-up with eachother, you see, this is the first time in six years I'd spoken to Gadget,
I could see his eyes glance at my chest or my backside every now and again, this pleased me as he used to tease me about being a flat-ass and flat chested. Though my breasts aren't huge, I know that they're big enough to catch someones attention should their eyes cross my chest.
Everything was going fine, we goofed off, wrestled and told jokes to eachother. It felt so nice to just flow with someone for once, to not have to struggle with a topic, or feel like they're faking a laugh.
That concluded night one, (Which was both Rae's birthday, and a Sunday)

You know what? Fuck that, My Thanksgiving sucked because of something other than a bratt, but oh well.
Lets talk about something else, yeah?
Kay.
Yesterday, I went out and bought a ring, a silver ring, for Jayson. You see, despite what people say, or think, I do think I love him to the point I'd spend the rest of my life with him. Though I'm just a kid, it's what I feel right now. I bought him a ring, and plan to propose to him on the cruise ship, Christmas Eve, it's pretty safe to put this here, because I know he won't read it. However, I was so happy, I had, HAD to share this news with everyone I could. Including Johen, and some others. I didn't have this one girls contact, as she'd lost her phone, so I told her mom. Which I knew that she tells her daughter EVERYTHING I say to her,
. . .
This girl and I were talking on Flype, some kinda video IMing system.
. . .
I was hestitant to show her, to tell her, because... I knew, I just KNEW she'd be mad, for whatever reason.
But, turns out, her mom told me,
"You're a fucking retard," exact words. And logged off. Just like that,
So great, my greatest friend, the one who I hold so close to my heart, next to Innjeh and Jayson, next to some others, the girl who I thought would be there for me no matter what, (even though she wasn't there when I did need her twice before,) just left me. I needed her, I needed to tell her how scared I was, and that I was afraid of what I was doing, I needed her to talk to me, to say something besides calling me a retard...
Fuck her... she doesn't know what love is, Enka. She's being a bitch from jealousy maybe? Why don't you take a razor and slice up those photos of yours...
Over this? Nah... no.. I'm hurting, pretty bad, because yet again, she put her feelings before mine, when I needed her most, and threw me in a ditch.

Fucking thank you soooo much Unknown female, for again, letting me fall to the floor.


My dad think's I'm a queer, because I'm doing what the male does, he's avoiding me, it feels like, and he doesn't seem to be so proud of his daughter. I thought she would maybe be a little happy for me, but.. that doesn't seem to be the case. At. All.

Thank God Johen is here, at least he'll listen to me.

That's horrible. It makes me sad to hear about such things.

It might not be traditional for the girl to give the guy a ring, but I don't really think it's stupid. And I don't think it's retarded either. Just be true to yourself.

Yeah, and the thing was, this whole argument started because,
I had my definitions messed up.
When you give someone a ring, be it promise or engagement (mine is a promise ring) It is called "proposing" is it not?
WEEELLL... This girl, took it in the engagement way, so when I corrected myself.. bahh I'll tell you on the phone.
= = can't beleive this,
all because I effed up and didn't say I was proposing with a promise ring D:
Everyone else knew I didn't mean an engagement!!! DX


= =

"Let it go, she'll die soon enough."

< . . ^ Hmm.. while I say this, I might want to tell Innjeh~!
Maybe she'll be happy for me D:

< x x > but Innjeh won't pick up teh phoooone~ Ring-a-ding-ding-ding!

huh? oh whats the number i'll pick up next time