Broken book of dreams.

I'm still in pain.. At Annas birthday party, all day today, my body felt a-flame with cold fire. Bones hard and sore, muscles soft and cold. My mind is a mess, love is real, it has to be.. If it isn't, then what do I have to live for? If it does not exist, and this world is consumed of only hatred and bad feelings, then what is the point of living? Why do we go out into the world and do the things we do? Why do I get up in the mornings, wanting to do nothing but please others? Why do I seek the smiles and happiness of others? Does that even exist? Tell me now Rinca, if love does not exist, then why are you not dead? Why have you not been strangled by your brother or maybe even your mother? Why has my own father not taken a bullet to my own head? If love does not exist, then what was this feeling I had when I saw Jayson? I don't understand, emotions. They should all, shatter. Vanish. Cease to exist. Thats what the dying part of me thinks, thats what the blue demon hisses into my ears. Forget yourself, it says. Pick up that blade you always keep strapped to your thigh, use it.. it laughs, teasing me. Kill them, all of them, stab away your emotions, drain them unto me and let the screams of your hatred fill my soul. I must be going crazy, this illness I suffer, must have given birth to this.. thing. If I had to give it a shape, it wouldn't look human. It'd be more or less like a wolf with an ever-changing shape. Ghastly glowing white eyes, pale blue/grey fur, long tail, ghostly movements. Then, it'd shift over to a dragon, and sometimes to a little blue fish, swimming in my mind, stirring up ripples of thoughts. You can hate them, it says, devilish little paws grip onto my sanity. They don't mean anything do they? What are you to them? Do they even care..? my demon laughs. I can always shake this away, banish the thing to my deeper thoughts. Its all in my head.. my crazy.. fucked up head.. I'm scared Jayson, Rinca, I'm terrified Innjeh, Selena, I'm breaking Shelly, Zaya.. I'm losing my mind. What will I do without you? Who will be there to help my pain? Even as I sit here and type this, fire laces the bones in my fingers, hurting so much to even move. To even blink. Sounds, meaningless things, like ticking, tapping, breathing. Everything, reacts with my demon. What I pick up, is so much more. Only music can subside my mind, but just for a little while. I lie when i say I'm not afraid of the dark... because, when I'm in the dark, theres nothing to distract me, and my thoughts can just roam and continue to brew and fester within my head. But, each day, I feel as though I'm losing this battle, and God, is taking my life, a little bit.. To all of you, my dearest friends, my loved ones, my family, I don't want you to cry when I'm gone, we'll all meet again.. Though I'm typing out my sadness, the people behind me tell me to stop, tell me to quit typing, but they don't understand, they probably cannot even read what I'm typing, but, thats okay, they don't understand.. Sighing, I tell them I'm almost finished, but really I'll never be done, not until the day that I'm dropped in a coffin. Not until that little fish, has caused the final ripple. I only have a few months left till I'm sixteen, but.. will any of my friends even get to see me be that? Tears flow down my cheeks, and everyone behind me, doesn't even know it. I'm silently sobbing, and not one person knows.. How Ironic, I'm at a sweet sixteen, planning out my own, knowing it might not ever come. My head hurts, my lungs burn, and Rinca screams at me..
Fuck you all... sometimes, I really wish I'd listen to my demon.. Rinca.. sometimes you come closest to making me snap.. Hee..

Not much longer, you guys. You won't have to put up with me for much longer. I'll be gone before you know it. So don't worry, I'll be out of your lives soon, maybe then you'll be happy.




: )

*Grabs you had and pins you to the wall* Don't you EVER say that! Do you hear me? *My green eyes blaze at you* I love you more than anything in this world do you know that? I love you just as much as I love him! I sware if you leave me I will come for you! I have already promiced I will come see you whenever I can! Don't you give up on yourself because I will NEVER give up on you! *Hugs you close to my chest as partly angry and partly sad tears prick my eyes so hard it hurts* I love you so much......

*whimpers and ears twitch falling back and whimpers, slowly wrapping my arms around you and tail sways slightly* I.. I'm truly greatful for you. All of you...

Lunar Wolf wrote:Not much longer, you guys. You won't have to put up with me for much longer. I'll be gone before you know it. So don't worry, I'll be out of your lives soon, maybe then you'll be happy.




: )

Q^Q L-Luna........TT^TT don't say that.... .......TT^TT

*ears twitch slightly* Gomen Momo.. Gomen Selen..

Didn't mean to offened.


Days left: Less than 2 months

Dragging myself through school, many thoughts running through my head.. where have I been all this time? Jayson.. I'm sinking without you, you were my all, my love.. and Zaya.. god, Zaya We were never meant to be, I'll never be with you, ever.. The bustling of kids, the mixed voices, all nonexistant to me.. Foot after foot, I walk down, alone, in the 200 hall.. Does anyone, see me? Kid after kid, steps on my foot, knocks me against the wall, its fine though, I don't mind. I'm half-way to my second period, when I look up, and see Mrs. Gesbur looking at me. She seems, upset, dissapointed, unhappy... with who? Me? Sighing, I tighten up, quicken my steps, and drop my gaze. I'm so lost, so lost.. "Good morning, Inca." She says, misspronoucing my name as everyone else does, "Enka, ma'am. And, morning.." I mutter, before turning past her and into the class room. Foods sucks, I miss my other second period, Biology, where knowledge was everwhere, where I could just get lost in science, how happy I was. Sitting down at a table, I listen to everyone sigh, and someone whisper, "Why couldn't she be absent today?" then a few others laughed. Keeping my eyes at the table, I pulled out my black notebook and started drawing. Absent mindedly. Closing my eyes, I let the gentle grinding feeling of the false lead against blank paper carry my mind away..
Why Jayson? Why can't we be together..? My heart hurts, its fallen, and hit the ground. Shattered. And, then Mr. Prince, thinking he could never be rejected, tried to rescue me. I denied. I don't want him, I want Jayson. Drama, where would we be without it? Heehee...
"Enka? Enka is there something more important than listening to me?" Gesbur announced. "Class, I believe our student wants to be more artistic then the rest of us." She snatched my notebook out on the table. Showing the whole class without looking at it herself. Everyone gasped, dead silence.
My picture, was a girl being torn apart, flesh ripping, blood spray, bone splintering, body spliting apart. It was a hard sketch, edgy lines making it look demonic, scary. Turning the page around, Gesbur gasped herself. "Enka.. Go, go to the office.." Sighing, I did as she said. Gathering my things, and snatched the notebook out of her hand as I passed. One thought smoking over my brain.. "You, are all condemned to die."

The office, sent me to my third period, saying that I shouldn't be drawing such 'vulgur' things at school. I shrugged, appologized and ducked my head as I left. Why am I so bad? My skins hot, my breath keeps coming in pants, whats happening to me?

*hugs you* i missed you today at school Q^Q

Moving slowly to my class, I finger my pants pocket. Heat rolling over me, heart racing. I'll make it to sixteen.. I must, I refuse to leave, after all, as my mom says, its all about her. These are her memories, I can't cause her that pain, or the pain to my friends, they'd hate me... We'll.. at least I know two would. My heart hurts, my heads spinning, whats wrong!?

End of the day, driving home, mom and Zaya with me, my body on fire, my heart clenching, racing.. Whats wrong with me? Not only has my body gone whakko, but now I'm becoming so easilly irritated with Zaya, just being in the same room as him, its hard. I don't like him, I love him, but I don't like him. You see, recently, once I had to leave Jay, my whole world was in a spiraling crush. He wanted to be with me, I didn't want to be with him though.. However, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and yet, I did want to be with him, but not sexualy, I only wanted to comfort him.. Helping others helps me.. But, I was not interested in his body, or his kiss, so I had rejected both of them, and eventually I shut out my heart from his, the pain was so much, so many complications

I still love him... so much.. I don't care what anyone says, I love him... based off my opinion of what love is, its what I have for him.. and its breaking me down..


"Mia.. would you... would you go out with me?" the girl asked shyly. "I um... I.. I guess so.." blushing as she kicked her heel in. The two girls smiled, held hands and vanished into the woods.

Does love exist?
Or are our minds so... weak we allow ourselfs to become lost in fantasy?

good story sad but good^^

Hey! This is Selen borrowing Lunars account to load up her latest piece of the stor since she's grounded and all...

Mom grounded me. I deserve it after all, a selfish girl like me, deserves a little punishment. Pain keeps on attacking me, it hurts so much. Been grounded for a while now, I just want my mom to stop hurting. "Have a Kind Heart" she says. I have less than 2 weeks before all is said and done. 2 weeks before i vanish from this beautiful place, full of laughter and fun memories. Before I have to rip myself away from those I love, Innjeh, Rinca, Selena, those I care of most, I have to go and I'm sorry. I've stayed here, in this world long enough. And as I watch the season of summer settle in, I feel my own soul begin to pack up. Funny, it was this very day, that I had ran into Selena, in a library.. During make up time.. I ran into her a few more times, some at fooball games, or in hallways, but, today I met her, last year. 2 weeks... can I fill them with love and joy? I guess so.. I know my mom loves me, and she knows a lot about me. But what she doesn't know, is that I wake up around 3:47am everynight/morning.. crying. She doesn't know that I wanna throw up almost 24/7 or that I've been sick for the past 2 months, she doesn't know that my period sometimes bleeds black, she doesn't know that i cannot breath at night, she doesn't know that theres a shard of glass eating me away, she doesn't know that my insides meltdown with my emotions, she doesn't know that I am constantly annoyed by this 'blue' voice.. or that I fall down all the time, how it hurts to walk, how i sometimes taste blood in my mouth, and if she ever does? I'll deny it. I refuse to be helped because, what is there to do? I refuse to go back to how it used to be...

Enka, age:5...

Reaching across the table, Enka grabs her cup of apple juice. Sipping it lightly, her brown hair moves in waves as she heaves. Setting down her cup with a slush, she runs to the bathroom and bends over a toilet. A few gasps and violent heaves later, everything came up in a strawberry pink, flooding the toilet. Drooling, gasping and whimpering, Enka tucks her hair behind her ears, sits on her knees, and begins crying. Her body rejecting the apples necter, and making her sick. She hated throwing up, it hurt, it was suffocating.. Dressed in a light blue gown, Enka reached between her shaking knees to grab a small white pill with the letter and number, "K2" on it.. Popping the small triangles, she whimpered and swallowed. Closing her eyes, she imagined herself one day being strong.. a tear falls, she'll never be strong...

Enka, age:9....

Curled up in the shower, crying, Enka sits alone. Letting the water scorch her out of her skin, she with holds a scream. How could he have done this? She's soiled now, soiled, used, trash. She didn't understand, why would someone so close to her, do this? Feeling violated, like trash, worthless, Enka picks up a bar of soap, and a small stone like object, and begins to scrub her arms.. scrubs them till their pink, then red, then she moves up to her shoulders, over her chest, down her stomach, then... between her thighs, she sucks up a sniffle, and begins to scrub there slow and gentle at first, then anger fills. "filth." she hisses, scrubbing harder to the point she may bleed. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. those words, filling her mind. grabbing a razor from the side, she shaved a chunk out of her hair, and dropped it.
Getting out of the shower, her skin a raw pink, wrapped in a towel, she trudges to her room in a daze, avoiding his room.

Enka, present day:

I will not be either of those, I am 15 going on sixteen, then onto seventeen! I may be gone from this world, but hear me out! I willlive on!!! I'll drag my half dead body back to you all, I will not forget, even if my brain ceases to function and my body disinagrates, I will live.. I refuse to die, do you understand!? Damnit God! I will NOT die!!!

....you can't take me from this world...
.....not yet.....
...please god....


...just a little longer.... let me, live...

I came home today, from Selenas. She slept with her boy most of the time, but I didn't mind. Instead I hid a lot of notes in her room, some she may never find. I also spent my time thinking. A lot. Mom, she's the most amazing woman on the face of the earth, then again, aren't moms supposed to be? Anyways, I came home and hung out with my Nii Nii, but, earlier today, I escaped from the gym at school and when I came home, Nii Nii was there too, thats when he surprised me yet again. He gave me something really important to him. A sword. A sword that meant a lot to him, and he gave it away, to me. When I recieved it, I was shocked, and happy but because I was in pain (as usual) my emotions were dulled to a stand still. I felt like a total ass, because I wanted to laugh, wanted to jump for joy and hug him tight. Tell him how happy I was that I meant this much to him, but yet, there i stood, like an idoit. But, I did manage one fire-covered hug to him, which left me numb, but I would cut my arm off for him. I have to get off the computer though, so I will just update with major mologe of the day!

"See ya, hope you do well on your retest, and remember! Do NOT stress, kay?" I shouted to Selena as I stepped out the front door. Out in her drive way, sat the Kia Sadona, awaiting me. Inside were my mother, and of course, Mr. Nii Nii. He was talking to my mom at the time, about what, I dunno. I laughed and as I started toward the car, I was watching his eyes. Their a rich honey brown, but always look close to black without the light. He has really pretty eyes, which is saying something because I don't really like brown eyes all that much (Because thats the color of my eyes and quite frankly I dislike myself quite a bit, aswell as my childhood attacker, but enough of that!!!) He also has really nice eye lashes, a great set of lips and an amazing laugh! He's a really sweet fun and caring guy, but, deep down, I know that there is someone just waiting to fall into those beautifully sculpted arms of his. Hehe,
The car was hot, and as I gripped the plasitc handle cheaply painted to look metal, my mom turned and smiled at me. Sliding the door open, I was greeted both by a "hello!" I returned the greetings, not so enthusiastically though, as I wasn't feeling so well. Nii Nii was rambling about something, and my mom just blabbed back, but since my head wasn't clear, I didn't pick up much. Glancing at the floor, I saw my bag of Peach Rings, (which of course, Nii Nii, bless his heart, had gotten them for me) with dire need I snatched the bag up and tore it open. Plopping one in and closing my eyes, best thing ever. The heat of the car had made the jelly gummy ring into a soft sweet treat. He's such a sweetie.. chewing and hoping the sugar would kick my brain back in, the sounds of voices kept me awake. Suddenly, a jolt of pain kicked inside me, right around my left ovary, however, something told me, this was going to be frequent. This isn't the first time this has happened, ya know? Or maybe you don't, I guess I haven't exactly said much either... well yeah, lately I've been having body melt downs, where it feels like there is barbed wire within my intestines and around my lungs. Or when my brain tries to flee my skull through my ears or nose, blood is a common thing to be seen leaving my body.
Buuuuuuuuut, besides that, lets get back to my main point.
You see, Mom has grounded me, and yeah, I did deserve it, still do. I was being selfish, letting the worst of me, overtake my heart. I'd been sour, mostly cause of the pain, and Well, I'm paying for that. It happened 3 thursdays ago, I had snapped my mom by asking for her to pick me up after worrying her senseless because the idiot I am didn't think to text her, didn't care to say, "hey whatsup" but... I deeply regret that now. She took my phone, restricted me to the house, no one came, i never left. Couldn't make calls, or use the computer. But hey, I deserve it!!! Now, most kids would be pissed off, saying things like, "What the fuck?! She's crazy!" or "This is so stupid!" or even, "She'll pay for this, what a fucking bitch!" ... but no me, because I understand what I did was wrong. Just like when she asked me to leave Jay, I did. I obeyed, instantly and without a fight. So when she asked if i was mad at her, I wasn't. I told her no, and thats how it is with me. I won't be mad if I know I'm in the wrong. Now, my second worst mistake, was going behind my moms back to get back to that boy... I didn't realize at the time, how much that could hurt her, didn't think that by six or seven precise words, I could break my moms heart, and trust. I was a little upset, because right then, when she was scolding me, I felt a surge of... rebbellion you could say, but... I'm not mad at anyone but myself, and to be quiet honest I am trying. However, the second point I'm trying to get across is, my moms not a bad person, I don't think any parent who reasonably punishes their children is bad, it means that the child is loved. She could let me go on, being a selfish bitch, and let me ruin my life by being so closed up. But, she has taught me, to be kind hearted, even if its not what people give to you, you should give to them. See, even though I'm grounded, she still lets me have Nii Nii over, still lets me go out on walks with Nickelodeon, still lets me go to places like the beach or the movies (up on the 3rd week anyways) and hell today, she let me go to Selens, and now use the computer! She's such a good mother... and I have no way to repay her... I wish there were something I could do, I'm going to find out, because apart from not dying, I'm also not going to make my mom cry anymore, she will never be hurt by me if i can help it, damnit!!!!

... Enka loves her mother...

TT^TT it's sad but good and it's true i think the same thing about my mom^^ she's awsome!

"Don't go that way..."
what was that..?
"Stop.. if you keep going... Mia, I'll die.."
That... that voice.. Daiskay?
I have to keep running, I can't stop..

Mia, she's running through a hospital, an empty hospital, trying to reach her beloved, to reach her mother, her father, her granny, and all her friends.

The cold tile numbs my bare feet, as I keep my best efforts of running with my cripple body. Every room on my left and right of this endless hallway, is empty, filled with ghosts of sad memories. Lost pregnancys, cancer victims, car crashes, stabs wounds.. The mothers holding their dead infants, fathers nearly weeping over their lost son, brothers and sisters holding onto each other as their mother gasps out her last breath from her grey lips, tired eyes sunken in, give up the ghost. But, I can't stop running, I havta reach everyone! But, as I run, my legs turn into ribbons of flesh, alive with fire and hurt, my lungs freeze and my insides rupture, I can't stop, its killing me to be there, but I will make it!
"Mia.. please..." Daiskays voice barely a whimper
"Daughter mine, stop.. go back..." my mother cries
"You cannot save us, we're gone, you're alive, please live!" my father shouts.
Riake, Kaeru, my friends, my brother, they all stand together like a family, with one gap in the middle, where I belong.
"I don't want to live without any of you! Please, just let me..." I freeze as first Daiskay begins to fade, his face a mask of hurt. "If you don't stop... we'll vanish.." taking another step, he bursts into fireflies that warp through the walls, leaving a gentle glow that fades as his soul does.. "no.. noo... Mom, Daiskay!?" another step, and Riake vanishes. "No!!! Please!!!" I shout,
running now, I take a total of 12 steps, and all six of the remaining vanish into golden glows.

Mia falls to her knees, tears staining her cheeks, wetting her gown, paling her eyes. She has lost all those dear to her, and all she has left, are the ghosts.. Settling one shakey transparent hand on Mias shoulder, the younger her whispers, "Death will come for us all, you know dont you?" Mias wings tuck in at her sides, "you know... I'd give these up..." Mia strokes her left bicept of her wing. "I'd love to walk the earth if it meant being with those I love in another life.."


"ENKAAAAA!!!!!!!"
HOLY CROW!?!?!?
The sound of my father awakens me, head groggy, throat dry, I remind myself how thankful I am not to swallow any pills. but.. where am I? Pulling my numb body through the blankets, it feels like I'm dead. Where am.. oh yeah..
Memories came flooding back to me, so hard that my head starting hurting. This.. this is.. "I'm back.." I smile. Standing up, my toes grip the new carpet in my bedroom and I stretch high. My shirt lifting up my stomach as my back arches, knees parted as on ankle remains on the bed. Hair tousled, a yawn forming in my throat, I howl softly to relax my jaw. Mmmmm... "Shower.."
As my hand lands on the door knob to my bathroom, a thought shoots through my mind. "Beach.." I don't have much longer here... Stepping into the room, my hand cranks on the hot water, and I begin stripping. Now, I'm standing before a mirror, examining myself. Breasts.. always so weird waking up with them, thank god their only B's. I run a finger under my right breast, then my left, feeling the old scar. That happened, what, maybe six years ago? Or maybe nine.. Anyways, being stabbed does not feel good, so be aware of knives, nails anything sharp! moving over my slightly rounded belly, i frown. "Putting on some weight huh?" I growl to my reflection.

it's good~^^

Then the horror hits me, the disease, this is one of the symptoms... "no.." I mutter.. "I thought... I thought it was... no... NO!!!" I throw myself away from the mirror, slamming into the wall hard and began to fall down. My stomach, its churning icy shards, the swelling already starting... will it go away? Can I avoid my demise for just a little longer?

June 13th...

"Today is my beloveds birthday, I'm stuck in this world though... I'm Mia, and my worlds falling apart. I thought maybe I could defy god, I thought maybe if I could run, I'd lengthen my life, however it proves to be, fatal. I'm again, laying in my bed, my body malfunctioning... The sky, is beautiful, the grass is greener than ever, but, I'm away from the sun, I'm stuck in this bed, trapped. My Granny, she's weeping downstairs, I can hear her as I write this, my fingers are trembling and i--- .. -ant br--th-..." Mia, closes her Journal with a heavy sigh, tears in her eyes. "Dear God, why must I die?" She questions.

"Enka? Enka whats wrong?!" my mother bursts into the bathroom, blood stains my shirt and hands, I'm on my knees, against the wall, I hear her yet I'm not there. I feel her warm hands on my shoulders, "Enka!? Oh God, Enka not again!!!" she screams. I feel myself being held, hear my mothers frantic voice. I hope every ones okay, I hope mom wont be mad that my blood is staining our mats in the bathroom, I hope that my mom wont cry when I cant respond, I hope that I"m not causing too much trouble. "Emma? Emma, whats wro-.. Enka? Enka!?" "Neth, She's bleeding, again!" My mother screams, "Go start the car," my father booms, "I'll carry her down.." he whispers. I watch my world go by in a blur as my fathers strong arms lift me, I'm paralyzed, as my minds going into shock, the blood continuing to attempt to kill me. "Enka, Enka it's going to be okay... It's going to be.. okay.." He whsipers to me, I see his hard face, and for once, I wanted to cry.. My dads face, full of concern.. My vision fades, and I listen to the sounds around me.
Thud.
I awaken back within my room, tucked in with the penguin my dear had given me, looking around my eyes seem to be a little slow with my brain. Same room, same sheets, everything, was normal... I looked around, no blood. Tasted my mouth, a little dry, but no blood, no blood anywhere. What happened? Slowly, I eased myself up in my bed, listening to the rustle of sheets falling from my body.
"Mom? Dad?" I called out.
Swinging my legs over the bed, hands beside my hips to hold my weight, I step onto the soft plush tan carpet. "Mom?" I tried again, standing up. My balance tried to throw me over, but I quickly grabbed my beds wooden corner.
had this all been a dream...?
Walking downstairs, one step at a time, and very slowly I look to find my mother on the couch. She looked calm, entertained by the show she was watching, as was my dad. So, maybe everything was just a dream, a nightmare. Hehe... This is what I had thought at the time, never realizing that I didn't have my usual case of amnesia when I awoke. Something has gone wrong, very wrong.

There is something wrong, there must be... why do i keep bleeding? IT keeps coming from my mouth, nose, ears and once my eyes. The headaches are getting worse, my cramping has hit a new level, I know I'm dying, so why won't anyone just kill me? I'm sick of taking these stupid pills, of having to inject myself with these toxins, I'm tired of waking up in a puddle of blood, tired of falling down all the time, this pain I feel, why can I not be normal? You'd think that if you lived with pain everyday of your life since the age of 3, you'd be used to it. Well, you're not. Does anyone even know what I feel? Does anyone even see past my happy-go-lucky exterior? DO you think this is a joke? Its not, I'm dying and none of you see it.. Sometimes, when I stand in the shower, my vision fades to solid red, I lose my balance, and then I black out. Sometimes, I get such massive head aches, I puke. I have no tumor, its not cancer, not yet maybe I'll get it in my last days, but the disease I have, the illness, has no name. No real in the book name, as its only been found twice. Woo hoo, I'm nearly one of a kind. I should be dead by now, doctors think I wont have time to be sixteen, they think I should be dead within a year now, but, I will live, I know I must.. Why me though? Well.. I suppose I'd rather it be me than anyone else, this pain is unbearable.. it hurts so much, i'm in misery, and all the while, I keep thinking, "One day, i'll wake up and be free..." but, I never do, I'm always right back in these tracks, stuck to the railroad, watching the train come, helpless to stop it, helpless to move out of the way. Time is of the essance, and unfortuantly, m essance is vanishing faster than the clock ticks. I watch all my friends, my family, my two younger brothers, I see them smile, and hear them laugh.. I'm jealous, I really am, I want to be like them, to have not a care in the world, but if there is anything I can do to make it easier, its to be happy. So I will be happy, I will never show my weakness, and I will never cry because of my pain. I want to be lik Stopher, my youngest brother, I want to be that little blond head, chubby freckled kid, he laughs a lot, plays often, not a care in the world... I may have been raised to have a good up bringing, to be well cared for, but death has a thing for me, he wants me and I cannot run much longer. So...to the few that I hold near and dear,

I love you...

TT^TT thats so sad........

"Mia..?"

2 hours later...

"Mia.. are you... Mia?"

4 hours later...

"please wake up.."

-Dear Journal..
I can feel my time here slipping away, my hands tremble often with worry and can barely move my fingers to type this right.. Often, I stare at the window and think of my loved ones... a face comes to mind, A girl my age, long brown hair, freckles and wearing a blue sweat jacket, her warm brown eyes make my heart swell... Her husband will always be the soccer ball, and her laugh makes me want to cry.. I'll miss her, a lot.. can you miss someone when your dead? Can you want someone when your dead? Honestly? i dont want to leave her.. I glance at the blue ribbon on my wrist, and wonder, what can I do? My Granny, so sweet, she's still crying.. My legs are rotting away now, my chest breaking...-

Mia put her journal down, and closed her eyes, going way back into the past. She was 15.
Her name at the time, was Luna. She was with her best friend, Kate. They had started doing everything together. It started out as them meeting in first semester during a foriegn language class. Luna sat by Kate every single day, they talked and laughed constantly. Always sketching and writing small poems... Luna felt herself, becoming deeply attached to Kate. And, Kate was giving hints back. A small love was blooming within Lunas chest, her heart wanting this other female. But, there were barriers... Kate had a boyfriend, and so did Luna. But, Luna's neglected and often forgot about her..
Plus, they were both girls. But, that didn't matter to Luna, and she was willing to wait for the chance.
This Saturday, Luna and Kate, were going out. To do, just about anything together. Luna was estatic! Kate seemed to be also, and somewhere in there, Lunas inner beast was becoming dominant. Luna went shopping with Kate, for shoes, for clothes, for art supplies, food, none of which Luna recieved. Heading back to the truck Kate drove, Luna ran up and clasped Kates hand. "Kate, I um.." thats when Kate turned around. And thats when it all happened. How she was lost and reborn. Because they stopped in the middle of the street, Kate wasn't paying attention and neither was Luna. A sharp piercing honk of a horn, broke the daze, headlights shone in Kates eyes, and Luna gasped.

Thud.

"W-what!? What Just.... Oh my God!!!" someone screamed.
"Jesus! I.."
"You hit her! Damnit you hit her!!!"
"I'll call nine-one-one.."
"Please.. please don't be dead.."

Did.....Did I just get hit by a car?...... I was shot on a past life but.... yeah no actually weirdly that sounds familliar.....

Luna awoke, in a hospital bed..
there was an odd pressure on the bed, was someone with her? Looking down, there was Kate. She was kneeling beside her hospital bed, head in Lunas lap. Kate? .. Kate? What are you doing..? she tried to speak. two sad green cat-like eyes, looked up at Luna. Oh my god! Are you okay..? Luna tried again. Kates eyes were red with tears. And it took Luna a second to realize, she was the one who was hit. Oh.. Kate, are you okay? Cause, I'm fine.. Luna reached out, or tried to, but her body wouldnt work right. Kates eyes began welling with tears. There was no, "Hooray! YOu're alive!" No, "Luna! Are you okay? Thank god you awoke!" Instead, Kate kept crying, Luna wanted to hold her, hug her tightly. But, she couldn't move.
"Why.. Damnit Luna.. why..?"
I.. I don't understand..?
"Ma'am.. I'm really sorry.. I-"
"Shut up!" Kate screamed at a man who had been in the room.
"... Luna... why did you leave me..?"
I'm.. I'm still here, Kate. Kate?
"Damnit, damnit!!! Luna!!! Why!?" Kate screamed again.
Suddenly, Kate stood up, and threw her arms around Lunas neck. Confused, Luna wanted to understand...
"why did you.. leave me.." Kate murmured.
Just then, a nurse came in, chart in hand. She glanced at the clock, scribled something down with a red and black pen, and then set her hand on Kates shoulder. Sympathy, all part of the routine for her.
"I'm sorry.." she murmured.
"You idiot! .. It should've been me! Why did YOU die!" Kate screamed.
dead..? I.. I'm dead? Luna thought. Then she could see. Her body was wrapped up, arms and legs, neck in a brace, IVs all through her, eyes open, hair matted, scraped up.
so this is what its like, to be dying... she thought..

"why didn't you let me get hit.. why dd you have to save me..?" Kate hissed. Tears running down her face, Kate left.
Luna, was dead.
Grabbing her purple jacket, Kate left the hospital. Anger, fueling her motive. Abandonment, fear, sadness.. She drove home like a maniac. Slamming her front door, she picked up a gun from under her bed, stood before a window, gun pressed and... so this is what its like, to be dying... she thought..

she let her arm go limp.. she couldn't do it.. the gun fell from her hand and,
POP!!! The bullet whizzed in one side, out the other, blood ribboning the room, flowering the walls, spattering the window, misting the air. Eyes wide, Kate fell to the floor of her room.. dead.

Mia shut her eyes, wondering who had Killed her past friend? Where would she be now? Sighing, she dropped her journal down the side of her bed and turned on her side, snuggling into the sheets. "Save me." She murmured.

and no, Luna died. :3 no way would she let her friend be hurt