Broken book of dreams.

He and Johen were talking to me, asking me where I was from, what was my old school like, just basic things... But then, my stomach shot fire inside and I cringed.
"You okay?" they both asked at the same time.
"Y-yeah, my stomach just hurts."
"You have to poop." The lesbian said (didnt mention her cause she wasn't around much)
"N-no! It's my actual stomach!" I pleaded.
They laughed at me >///<
"Where is the bathroom at..? I feel sick.." I whimpered.
Johen lead me over to where it was, I felt stupid...
I thanked him, then rushed inside.
Busting into the first stall, I fell to my knees and a vile spray of blackish brown gunk spewed out of my mouth. pain began to shoot through my body again and again, with each heave, I started crying. This pain, it hurt me so much. Why was I so sick? I kept hurling and heaving and crying until my stomach revolted on itself, though I had nothing left to puke. I sat there against the wall, the cool grey tiles sootheing, the white floor comforting, however.. the white toilet bowl, splattered with red, black and brown.. scared me. That was inside me? Blood?
Shaking, I tried to get up, and failed.
I really was sick..

[8/13/2011 10:18:21 PM] Kio: RAWR
[8/13/2011 10:19:34 PM] Jim: Rawr!
[8/13/2011 10:20:02 PM] Jim: are you hanging in there?
[8/13/2011 10:20:26 PM] Kio : Oh don't remind me ><
[8/13/2011 10:20:38 PM] Kio : *whimpers* < . . >
oh no..
[8/13/2011 10:21:32 PM] Jim : hehe, sorry
[8/13/2011 10:23:34 PM] Kio : nyahhhh
[8/13/2011 10:23:36 PM] Kio : ><
[8/13/2011 10:26:41 PM] Jim : lets try to talk about something else then...umm ... I don't really know what to talk about though
[8/13/2011 10:26:55 PM] Kio : nyahhh
[8/13/2011 10:26:58 PM] Kio : sad
[8/13/2011 10:32:23 PM] Jim : yeah, I fail... sorry.
[8/13/2011 10:32:31 PM] Kio : ♫ Even though, I'm about to become sea foam..
[8/13/2011 10:32:40 PM] Kio : I will always love you~
[8/13/2011 10:32:53 PM] Kio : After I disolve into the ocean and sky,
[8/13/2011 10:33:01 PM] Kio : I'll still watch over you~
[8/13/2011 10:33:11 PM] Kio : -musical intermission-
[8/13/2011 10:33:18 PM] Jim : sea foam? that's an interesting thing to say
[8/13/2011 10:33:22 PM] Kio : ♫ I wanted to be closer to the bright, stary sky,
[8/13/2011 10:33:42 PM] Kio : the one that I saw from the ocean's depths~
[8/13/2011 10:33:58 PM] Kio : How I longed for that day to come to me at the bottom of the sea. Waiting for you.
[8/13/2011 10:34:21 PM] Kio : Underneath stormy clouds,
[8/13/2011 10:34:30 PM] Kio : rolling in the waves,
[8/13/2011 10:34:44 PM] Kio : On that day was when I was you at the bottom,
[8/13/2011 10:34:58 PM] Kio : And that was when I felt like this..
[8/13/2011 10:35:02 PM] Kio : my heart hurts,
[8/13/2011 10:35:04 PM] Kio : ...
[8/13/2011 10:35:14 PM] Kio : Even though pain shoots through my legs with each step,
[8/13/2011 10:35:19 PM] Kio : I still will always love you,
[8/13/2011 10:35:26 PM] Kio : As my body slowly breaks apart,
[8/13/2011 10:35:35 PM] Kio : please know I'll always watch over you.
[8/13/2011 10:35:36 PM] Kio : ...
[8/13/2011 10:35:44 PM] Kio : -musical intermission-
[8/13/2011 10:35:56 PM] Kio : I knew that there was no hope for me,
[8/13/2011 10:36:08 PM] Kio : The stars in the sky were nothing but lies,
[8/13/2011 10:36:15 PM] Kio : I wanted nothing more than,
[8/13/2011 10:36:19 PM] Kio : to see your smile once more~
[8/13/2011 10:36:24 PM] Kio : ...
[8/13/2011 10:36:30 PM] Kio : Even though I'm about to become sea foam,
[8/13/2011 10:36:34 PM] Kio : I still love you~
[8/13/2011 10:36:48 PM] Kio : After I disolve into the ocean and melt to the sky,
[8/13/2011 10:36:54 PM] Kio : I will still watch over you..
[8/13/2011 10:36:58 PM] Kio : ..
[8/13/2011 10:37:08 PM] Kio : Heh.

-Kio has disconnected-

after I got off my account, I thought about Jim. He's a nice guy, and really funny too, but I often wondered, what is his life like?

This was on the night of going to see Jayson, and my heart was pounding. I wrote out a song I thought of as I listened to a tune. My heart aches constantly, but not with pain. With joy.

How I feel?
This pain inside,
is so surreal.

I can't believe,
it's happening!
All so fast,
What am I seeing?

You took what I,
Most loved.
Threw it out,
Into the sky above!

Forever gone,
my memories!
Forever gone,
my family...

...
I remember,
the old days.
Full of love,
sunny rays!

What happened to,
our beautiful past?
What happened to,
"Love will last!"

I don't know,
who you are.
Where you go,
is awful far.

I've tried my best,
to stay by you.
Through thick and thin,
stuck like glue!

....

Blood ran down,
the silver blade.
Your eyes once blue,
a crazy shade!

You laughed,
and laughed.
Crazy-ily!
I don't know
what happened
to me!

You ruined it!
Everything
I'm sick of it!

...

I loved you,
you loved me,
what is it,
that happend you see?

Love is love,
hate is hate,
I wonder how,
we opened that gate,

I miss you,
do you know?
I cry outside,
in the snow..

Please come back,
The one true,
I miss the one,
and only you.,

Why do these emotions posses me? I do not have any reason for them.. only my memories guide me.

I curled up on my bed, whimpering. That was the night before today.
How could I have gotten sick on the first day?

I passed through crowds of kids. Reading, eating, laughing...
Memories kept running around in my mind.
What are Innjeh and Rinca up to? Is bandcamp fun this year?
I didn't know, I only knew I missed them. I returned to the group, and was welcomed back.
"Did ya hurl?" Johen asked.
I nodded looking away, embarassed.
"It's okay," Kuu comforted me, and smiled.
The smile faded.
"But, you have to go home now. If you puke you gotta go." Johen laughed.
"So where do I go?" I asked.
"The nurses." They both replied.
"Where is she?" I asked, feeling stupid.
"I'll show you," Johen answered quickly, and as if to say otherwise, Kuu picked up my bag. My heart fluttered.
"I um.. thank you.. .. I can carry my own b-bag, Kuu." I said softly. But, he only shook his head and smiled at me. His voice matched his face and personality. Cute and funny. I lowered my head, my imaginary tail and ears ducked down nervously.

As they guided me to the hall, we were confronted by a teacher. He was eating his lunch in a desk chair at the entrance of a hallway. He looked up and asked what we were doing.
"Oh, I was just showing her where the nurse was." Johen looked semi-nervous.
"Yeah, she doesn't feel very good, and I'm carrying her things." Kuu added.
He excused me and Kuu, but told Johen to go back. He said goodbye, and left.
Kuu nudged me walking to the nurses, and smiled at me.
"It'll be okay, you sure you're alright?" he asked. My heart was pounding. What is wrong with me? I don't understand these emotions. Similar ones were felt when I was around Jayson, but.. these ones.. they scare me.
He took me inside, and showed me around. I was scared of the place, it looked like a hospital.... .. He stayed with me till the bell rang, after showing me how to work the phone, and kindly sat my things down for me. His hand brushed mine when he was saying goodbye. It was very.. soft. Immediantly alarm bells started ringing. I don't know what emotion this is, but it is definately a danger. I watched him leave, he gave me a sentimental half smile, and was gone.

So kind... I felt stupid... Sitting there, the nurse checked on me every five minutes, until my mom came to pick me up.
She gave me grief all through out the day. I pretty much blacked out mentally.

That night, I was curled up in my bed. Blue sheets soft and scented vanilla, enveloped me from the cold of my room. I cradled the phone against my cheek and ear, listening to Jayson speak. His voice carried me away, and several times I almost fell asleep.
I told him about Kuu. How he had made me feel somthing very close to what I felt for him. I didn't understand it, it wasn't love. It wasn't lust. Something innocent, and yet very dangerous.
He said it was fine, becuase I didn't love him. Is that really okay? If he's fine with it, then there is nothing wrong, right? Still.. his hand was so soft.. so very similar they are.
I think, I think I like Kuu. Shallow emotions,
And I love Jayson. Deep feelings.
However, I have a black fear in my heart. What if I begin to care about Kuu? And my likeness for him developes into something not so innocent? What do I do? I don't want something bad to happen, I don't want anyone to get hurt. However, if what I fear comes true... then what? I don't want those feelings.. I want it to stay shallow.. but that isn't me, I can't have shallow feelings. They always deepen.
I am now faced with two options.
Continue to befriend Kuu, and hope to god nothing escalades.
Cut off all connections to Kuu and his cousin, and become an outcast.
I don't want to be a shadow again, but I don't want to lose anyone. So, I will risk it. I hope what I am doing is right. I want to tell Jayson, someone, but he's busy. If he cares about my thoughts and feelings, maybe he'll read this like I suggested. But he doesn't, and he wont. Turns out the only people who care about what goes on, is Innjeh, and Zuma. Zuma a.k.a. Jim, is a person I don't even know, yet he talks to me and shows more interest in what I have to say than Jayson.
I am not complaining, just commenting. Sigh, I hope everything goes okay.

Nothing good has happened in any of my classes, however at lunch...
Kuu continues to be nice to me. He saves me from having to answer a lot of rude and personal questions, that Johen asks. He instead finds interest in me by asking about games and such.
I like Kuu, out of them all.. I believe Kuu would be my better friend.
The lesbian is funny, but not my type of girl. Not that she's wrong or bad, just our personalities wouldn't mix well I guess. Like oil and water. Johen, asks way too many things that make me cry to answer. We would fit together as good as a circle and a square. However, Kuu, wind+fire equals hotter, stronger and faster winds, and a hotter, brighter, bigger fire. Perfect?

Friday.

Pep rally.

Kuu is a senior. I am a junior, so is Johen and Razz (lesbian)
So, when I was getting a take in of how large the place was, I spotted Kuu on the other side. He looked sad bored, so I waved at him. He saw me, and waved back.
Next thing I know, he ditches the seniors. Gets up, and walks all the way around the auditorium, to come up our bleachers, and sits right beside..me..
My heart started pounding again. Hard, violently. He was so close to me, and I was squeezed between him and Johen. I was scared, and yet happy.. my guyphobia was causing most of my stress.
I tried not to pay too much attention to Kuu, so he wouldn't see my blush. And instead, I looked upon the walls of our gym. "Home of the Fighting Cobras!" it said on the left wall, with a giant cobra bursting through the wall, bricks in its coils. On the right, it said, "Welcome to the Viper Pit" The V and the T both where curved to look like fangs. I thought it was amazing. White, grey, blue and black. So pretty.

i miiisssssss yyyooouuuuu~~~DX

Miss you too. Don't worry though. *smiles slightly*
It'll pass, and it'll feel normal. *ears twitch looking away* I know if Kat reads this, which she wont, because she doesn't give a rats ass about me I guess,
She'd probably tell me to STFU. But,

I honestly feel as though I've been replaced. And, no offense to Aya, but I kinda resent her. I mean... I tried really hard to be your friend, both of yours, and hers too.. but.. she never took to me, and even at my party... seemed like I didn't mean anything to her, or you or Kat.
You know, I only got to say hello and goodbye to you basically?
I mean.. I don't want to be rude, or mean or just plain stupid, but...

I wish you three wouldve spent the last day with me, not yourselves.

I don't mean to sound so concided... but, its how I feel. I miss you Momo, and I miss Kat, sorta. But, with the way she's been acting, I've been caring less and less. Although, I wish the best for you this school year, I hope you, Kat and Aya do well together. :] Best wishes, buddy! I love you...

And as I type this, I feel the heated wet sting of tears. I don't want to feel this way, but, I'm still hurt. I keep trying to put it away, tell myself they didn't mean to ignore me, but.. it won't go away. I keep wondering to myself, was it worth it? Rinca, she was so sweet to me in the begining, I remember the red and black gloves she lent to me, as we sat in a triangle on the floor playing a game I taugh both her and Jenny.
Old memories, fond ones...
Innjeh, never stopped being sweet. Sure, she got stern on me, and kinda stubborn on some things, she never had a cruel intention for me. She was never mean or just rude to me for no reason. To be quite honest, I didn't think Innjeh cared much for me, I thought that she just tolerated me... I see now, that this isn't true.
Rinca, I don't know what happened with her. She's been so.. bitchy to me. In my own home, to my face, over texts messages.
When my brother was sent away, she told me to grow up, roll with the punches, and to quit moping because it was pissing her off.
Honestly, I don't know where this happened or went wrong, but it just seems I'm nothing to her. She only talks to me now when she needs me, and never seems to be there when I need her...
Sure Innjeh is busy often, and seems like we never talk, but she is there... I miss her so badly.. Tears are trying to fall, but I wont let them.

..I love you J. E. S. Miss you...
And Rinca, if you read this, sure you wont,
I'm sorry. Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry. On the bright side, you won't have to deal with me anymore, you can now sleep in, and you can quit snapping and snipping at me.
..you're such a jackass you know!? I don't know what I did wrong, Rinca.. But, there was no reason for you to yell at me, raise your fist at me, scream at me, ignore me, anything! All I ever did, was try to please you! But, it was never good enough.. even still I want your acceptance. And, when I try to open up to you? When I try to pull my heart out?

You spit on it. Pluck it and step on it. Pierce it with cold needles.
You make me feel.. like shit. Do you know that? Like absolute shit. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Is it because you love me?
That makes it okay?
Either way... I still want to be your friend, I really do, but it's up to you....
Please, Rinca.. Stop being so unfair with me..

Where is Catarinca?
Where did she go?
That shyish girl? The one so cute?
She vanished,
and instead, she hurts me.

Thank you though, for the fun times. For all the sweet things you did for me...
I'm so sorry I screwed up, I don't know what I did to make you treat me this way..

Sometimes.. sometimes I wish you hadn't met me, so that maybe you wouldn't be so burdened, so hurt and uspet all the time.
You admitted I was the cause of your burden,
so.. make me dissapear.
Perhaps I'll vanish from this site.
Then, youll be here more often, with Innjeh and Aya, right?

Yeah...

I'm hurting really badly, I need you, but you don't even want me.
So, I guess thats okay.
After all, it is all about you.

Goodbye for now, I guess.

I rememeber though, the fun things.
Staying up late,
sharing secrets,
laughing and eating icecream.
Scaring eachother with movies... games...

So much fun with you.. thank you Rinca...

TT^TT thats so sad....*i really am crying in real life...you are a lot stronger than me and a better person....i'm not as good a friend as you say i am but i will try to be someday^^....i want to be as good of a friend as you are to me~..someday i will be so i'm here if you need me*

I'm sorry I'm being so glum, but what if someone you opened up to completely, treated you this way?
You know.. Rinca is blaming this on me. She says I'm an Ikki.
Seriously?

but at least you're not just holding it in and trying to handle it on your own.....it makes me really happy when someone trusts me enough to share what they are feeling with me^^ but it make me agrivated and sad when i can't help them...it makes me feel like i can't do anything<..>

I'm trying to hold it in Momo,
I don't want to complain or whine at anyone... it's what Icky would do..

well i'm here for you cause sometimes you do need to complain and whine^^

No one seems to understand.
I'm just a white girl, a young white girl. Like my problems don't matter, and they don't.
Lost your best friend? Cool, mine was shot when we were five.
You had a bad neighborhood? Try falling asleep to gunshots.
You didn't get much sleep? Me either, taking care of my dying brother.

So what?

You're alive right?
You can still can't you?
Then stop the dumb shit,

you know thats very true

So today, I learned something new.
Moving on is not impossible.
Thou Kuu is sometimes very, very.. sad,
His lady friend, causes most of his pain, and yet he wont let her go.
So I look back on myself, to where a particular female has hurt me time and time again, how I thought it'd be worth it in the end to keep trying.. to keep going, but it... it wasn't worth it. She obviously had no need for me, nor want of me, and so, I said goodbye.
I still wish her the best, and I can't wait till next life, when I'll find her again, when the world wont be so harsh and cruel... where people don't carry knives, and children can run naked if they want to!
I had a good night, last night.
It was a Saturday... Kuu, CC and her friend, plus me, went out on a "date" yesterday. I was really happy, happier than any of them couldve known. I tried to act normal, like my heart was not going to explode out of my chest. Because, CC and Kuu, actually spoke to me. They didn't ignore me, and they included me often in their convos, how often has that happened to me? Not very.

So, my parents dropped us off at a Logans. Neither of them had been there, and that thought made me laugh.
We all went in, got a booth and sat together. Kuu sat next to me, and CC sat by herself. I felt bad though, and the whole time I was kicking myself to have sat beside her so she wouldn't be alone, then I thought maybe she shouldve sat next to Kuu so they wouldnt be alone, yeah.
We ordered steaks, mine a six oz, hers an eight, and his a steak on a burger! Hah! Though, Kuu couldn't eat it with his hands, psh!
We had a lot of fun, at least, I did. Laughed and I thought it was cute that Kuu liked to drink chocolate milk at the place, and that CC called soda, 'pop'. Hehe,
I learned a lot more about Kuu and CC just by listening. And, I wondered what Innjeh and Rinca... were doing. Selena rose up on my mind too, I miss her a lot also, where will she go after highschool? I dunno... I'll have to call her.
Point is,
I learned,
you can get over things. No matter how hard, it is possible.

i'm glad you're having fun and i have Selena in my second period i can tell her high if you want^^

Really? Please do^^

Could you also tell her to get her butt back on animeguru?

ok~^-^

I'm sorry it took me so long to read all of this. I am a slow reader. But I finally finished reading everything here.

Wow. There was a lot of sad things, things that really did make me sad. But also some happy things. And all I can say is don't give up on life or love. Love does exist, and life can never be more real or fulfilling until you meet a friend who will be a close friend with you in the bad or the good times.

Anyway I shouldn't be telling you what to do, hehe
I'm just commenting and letting you know I read everything up to this point.

thank you Zu Zu~

Hehe^^